Dear Hollywood, as another annual Hollywood buffet and raffle night comes to a close and in the “indomitable journey of life that takes us all on an transformative odyssey of respect and being able to be who we are” just remember that no-one outside of award speeches uses the word “indomitable” – especially Brad Pitt (unless of course he is about to play an Austen spinster).
So what happened this year? We had a montage celebrating 90 years of cutting to Goldie Hawn in the audience, Ronan Farrow has to now add Cate Blanchett to the list of people he will have to Tweet-hate like a Sinatra behaving like a spoilt Kennedy, Bette Midler forgot how the Acadamee hated For The Boys to sing over a montage of beaches scenes from the movies (I think), Kim Novak took to the stage nearly looking younger than Jennifer Lawrence (though she has yet to fall over twice infront of a billion TV viewers – is Lawrence the new Lee Evans?), the black Will Smith presented the Best Film Oscar for the slave drama/trauma that is 12 Years A Slave (trust me, the Academeee does this a lot – which is why Harvey Feinstein will present the Oscar to Jonah Hill should my fantasy biopic notion of him as Divine ever see the light of day), Liza Minnelli was in the house to help celebrate 75 years of The Wizard of Oz by letting, er, Pink sing Over The Rainbow, Hollywood and the world forgot that a “selfie” is taken by one person of them self … otherwise it is called a “photo“, Hemsworth annoyingly didn’t take home the Best Supporting Junk award for that cameo of his ball sack in Rush, Gravity picked up all the important technical awards including Best Sound Editing (for a space-set film where there would be no sound) yet sadly the film about a women stuck in a Space nightmare in just her underwear and vest top and having to save herself with a fire extinguisher were noticed by the Acadamee before when Aliens and Wall-E came out (in Space everyone can hear Sandra Bullock scream), American Hustle failed to get noticed on the night (or a nomination for hair and make up?!!) yet another montage featured the all-important remake of The Karate Kid (which was no doubt a rider for getting Will Smith to be the new Poitier), Jared Leto is clearly in preparation for the sequel to Chapter 27 where he will not play John Lennon’s killer but John Lennon himself, McConaughey deservedly wins for playing the worst JR Ewing tribute act in the Dallas Buyers Club (though Leto did make a marvellous Victoria Principal), Frozen won Best Animated Feature Not Yet Based On A Hit Broadway Show and the Interflora In-Memorium montage had its work cut out this year but still managed to keep a blank space in case Liza didn’t get out of her chair.